As part of the Glasgow Restaurateurs Association’s Gourmet Glasgow event, I spent last night pretending to be the maitre d’ at the Two Fat Ladies restaurant on Blythswood Street. Billed as the Critic’s Challenge,the idea was that I would switch my role of restaurant reviewer for Metro for that of restaurateur. The event went swimmingly in terms of its main aim which was to raise money for Save The Children.

Thanks to the generosity of restaurant owner Ryan James, the sum of £500 was raised for the charity from the profits for the evening.

Perhaps less successful was my fledgling career as a restaurant manager. About ten minutes into my shift, it was perfectly obvious that I was about as much use as teats on a bull to manager Maddie and her assistant manager Laura. From bundling up sets of matching cutlery with elastic bands to remembering which regulars like which drinks, they had smoothly running systems and well organised plans for dealing with every eventuality. My role was more that of fly in the ointment.

I like to think that by drying a few glasses and clearing a handful of tables that I contributed to the problem-free flow of service but appreciate that Maddie and Laura, despite their diplomacy, may have different views.

Moving on swiftly, this is what I learned:

1) There is a knack to laying tablecloths which I don’t have.

2) It is usually only Americans that can finish the Two Fat Ladies multi-dessert platter.

3) With male/female couples, always seat the woman with her back to the wall so that she has the best view of the dining room.

4) Use a tray when clearing glasses from tables.

5) I didn’t see this in action but apparently it is useful to have a buff, handsome waiter on hand for serving groups of women.

6) It doesn’t necessarily follow that a beautiful, shapely waitress is the best person to serve a table of men. Following Maddie’s example, a friendly but firm and no-nonsense approach nips any misunderstandings in the bud.

7) Waiting and social work sometimes crossover.

8 ) What waiting staff dislike more than anything else is a customer who dripfeeds requests. You want an extra spoon, more water, a look at the dessert menu and saccharine instead of sugar? That’s no problem. Just don’t ask for them one after the other.

9) Putting plates on tables is only the beginning. There is always something to do.

10) I’m not the person to do it.