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Jonathan Trew
December 12, 2017
Christmas cracker jokes
John Lewis are selling fill-your-own crackers. And if you need Christmas cracker jokes, we may be able to help…

Will these Christmas cracker jokes split your sides or just make you roll your eyes?

Some say that Christmas is all about sharing. Other reckon that the festive season is for families.

Here at the 5pm Dining blog, we aren’t going to disagree with either of those ideas.

However, we would argue that Christmas is also about the jokes we find in our Christmas crackers.

And the cheesier the better.

TV channel Gold are also fans of Christmas cracker jokes but figured the nation’s supply needed updating. For the last five years, Gold has challenged the British public to come up with the best topical and modern Christmas cracker jokes.

The Top Twenty are listed below. They are certainly topical with many of the hot stories from 2017’s news agenda pressed into action. As you might expect, politicians get a hefty shoe-ing.

It will be interesting to see how many get wheeled out over the next fortnight as the nation puts on its glad rags for its work night out.

Christmas cracker jokes: The Top Twenty

  1. Why was Theresa May sacked as Nativity Manager? She couldn’t run a stable government.
  2. Why don’t Southern Rail train guards share advent calendars? They want to open the doors themselves.
  3. What’s the difference between Ryanair and Santa? Santa flies at least once a year.
  4. Kim Jong Un will play Santa this year in the South’s annual pantomime. He said he fancied a Korea change.
  5. Why did Donald Trump continuously decorate the Christmas tree? Because people kept saying ‘moron’ to him.
  6. Why was the planned Ryanair TV documentary scrapped? They were unable to air a pilot.
  7. Which TV Christmas special is being filmed in Brussels this year? Deal or No Deal.
  8. Theresa May has asked Santa for a home makeover this year. First thing on the list was a new Cabinet.
  9. What did Bruce Forsyth say when the Christmas pheasant repeated on him? ‘Good game, good game’.
    1. Why did Jeremy Corbyn ask people not to eat sprouts on Christmas day? He wants to give peas a chance.
    2. Which supermarket did best in the Holy Land? Oh Lidl, crown of Bethlehem.
    3. Why did the Irishman put Khloe, Kim and Kourtney Kardashian in his living room at Xmas? He wanted an artificial tree.
    4. Where does Jeremy Corbyn hang his Christmas stocking? On the far left.
    5. Why are there only eleven days of Christmas this year? Because the three french hens got stuck at border control.
    6. Why was Theresa May asked to play the donkey in this year’s Nativity? They needed someone who was a little horse.
    7. How do you ruin Stormzy’s Christmas? Criticise his wrapping.
    8. What’s Donald Trump’s favourite flavour Quality Street? Covfefe Cream.
    9. What keeps Spain from buying Christmas socks that match? Matalan separatists.
    10. The Queen’s Christmas message has been cancelled this year as there’s no more Monarch.
    11. What’s the difference between David Davis and Santa Claus? Santa always delivers.